They told me there would be swans

Day 74 

General status update:

Overall: Yet again, totally fecked…

Some hopeful correspondence between me and one of my virtual chemo buddies this morning (nb my online name is Cybele, after the very kick ass Anatolian fertility goddess immortalised- not that she needed it, obvs - by Catullus in his Ode LXIII, which is like a ‘Don’t go into the woods, young man!’ horror movie, only in Latin; the hero, Attis, doesn’t come out in one piece, I’m afraid, and the bits he loses are rather vital):

Cressida

Cybele - good luck with the FEC 4 today. I am trying to practice a bit of mindfulness, and also spent the sunny afternoon on Tuesday seeking out images to hold onto. I have more countryside than you, and I found 6 deer in Ashridge forest who couldn't be bothered to run away from me. I think they could see that I was in no state to chase them. I am taking them with me next week into the chemo unit. Keep your mind on the swans. Xxx

Cybele

I've got my chemo at 2.30 - took one Lorazepam last night, and going to take another one about 1pm - hopefully, that will get me through it better than last time, when I wept all the way down the Fulham Palace Road on the way to the hospital. GOTTA GET A GRIP.

Cressida

And, yes, I am aware that by focusing on the swans you will not be mindful of the chemo experience. One thing at a time.

Cybele

Hah - not sure the chemo experience is something we need to be mindful of. Swans definitely preferable. In fact, they should provide them in the chemo ward. With a nice pond, obvs.

Cressida

Take enough Lorazepam and you should have swans and a lake. You might even have a ballet.

Suffice to say, there were no swans, and it was another extremely unfortunate visit to the chemo ward which, yet again, did not go according to plan. The curse of Fo struck again, but I got the chemo eventually, after a long and very stressful day, which I’ll write about tomorrow.