How to Sing the Blues (UK version)

Day 40  

General status update 

Hair: Feeling pretty smug since it heard it was the best kind of hair for the cold cap, which is dangerous, no? ‘Pride goeth before destruction, and an haughty spirit before a fall.’ Proverbs,16:18.  

Nausea demon: Gone to Bilbao for his mini-break, but seems to have provided a locum; am back on the anti-emetic drugs today. Yesterday was a false dawn. Moral: never stop taking your meds because they are working. That is very, very dim. 

Chemo Muse: Found her on the sofa with Chemo Brian, which was a bit of a turn up for the book. I think it must be the snow. Everybody wants to snuggle up in this weather.

 

Chemo Brian: Says there is plenty of room on the sofa for all three of us. I stop him before he can go into detail about what he used to get up to à trois in that commune in Vermont..

Fatigue/weakness: persisting 

Sleep, lack of: Positively looking forward to it – bring on the steroids and the wild energy rush. Can’t believe I’m actually looking forward to FEC3 because the steroids will liven me up a bit.

Anxiety level (1-10): Trains to Yorkshire seem to be running despite snow, so abating.

State of mind: Getting excited about prospect of big log fire at BigSisFo’s tomorrow. Not to mention the forthcoming Rat Update.

  

This week I would definitely have been singing the Blues, had it not been for the fact that in a location like Hammersmith, and with a name like Caroline, and never having shot a man in Memphis, I simply don’t qualify - certainly not according to the following guide, which someone sent to me years ago, and which made me laugh then, and still does now.

I don’t know who originally wrote it, but there seem to be quite a few versions of it out on the internet – this one, however, seems to have been slightly adapted to reflect the particular difficulties of singing the blues if you are located in the UK.

 

So, enough of cancer for one week - let's think instead about how to Sing the Blues

 

How to Sing the Blues

1. Most Blues begin, "Woke up this morning."

2. " I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line, like "I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town."

 3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes ... sort of: "Got a good woman - with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher - and she weigh 500 pound."

4. The Blues are not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch; ain't no way out.

5. Blues cars: Chevys and Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, Sport Utility Vehicles or People Wagons. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft an' state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.

 

6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In original US Blues terminology, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.  As far as the UK equivalent is concerned use your imagination and insert yer own.

 

7. Blues can take place in New York City, Chicago or Louisiana but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada. Hard times in Telford or Milton Keynes is just depression, however anywhere in South East London would probably rate highly on the Blues Richter Scale. New Orleans, St. Louis and Kansas City are still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the blues in any place that don't get rain.  So this obviously elevates the status of the UK as an authentic blues haven ...

8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg cuz you skiing is not the blues. Breaking your leg cuz an alligator be chomping on it is.

 

9. You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot (Or carpark if you're in the UK) or sit by the dumpster. ("Bin Lorry" loses the emphasis somehow.  In the same way that "trash" is a considerably more convincing blues word than "rubbish") 

10. Good places for the Blues:

a. highway/main drag/long winding country road etc,

b. jailhouse,

c. empty bed,

d. bottom of a whiskey glass.

Bad places:

a. designer clothing boutiques,

b. gallery openings,

c. Waitrose or other supermarkets (maybe with the exception of Kwiksave),

d. golf courses.

 

11. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen to be an old ethnic person and you slept in it.

 

12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues?

Yes, if:

a. you're older than dirt,

b. you're blind,

c. you shot a man in Memphis,

d. you can't be satisfied.

No, if:

a. you have all your teeth,

b. you were once blind but now can see,

c. the man in Memphis survived,

d. you have a retirement plan or trust fund.

 

13. Blues is not a matter of colour. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Gary Coleman could. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the blues.

 

14. If you ask for water and Baby give you gasoline, it's the Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are: a. wine, b. whiskey or bourbon, c. muddy water, d. black coffee.

The following are NOT Blues beverages: a. mixed drinks, b. bacardi breezers, c. Snapple, d. sparkling water.

15. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a broken down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or getting liposuction.

16. Some Blues names for women: a. Sadie, b. Big Mama, c. Bessie d. Fat River Dumpling.

17. Some Blues names for men: a. Joe, b. Willie, c. Little Willie, d. Big Willie.

18. Persons with names like Sierra, Sequoia, Auburn and Rainbow, not to mention Tristan or Camilla, can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.  Or in South London, or Telford.

19. Make your own Blues name (starter kit): 

 

a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, Sciatic etc.),

b. first name see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, Kumquat etc.),

c. last name of President or prominent political figure (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)

For example, Blind Lime Jefferson, or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe not Kiwi.)

20. Oh and one more thing, although people may argue with this one, especially when your server is playing up. I don't care how tragic your life: if you own a computer, you cannot sing the blues. You best destroy it. Fire, a spilled bottle of Tequila/Jack Daniels'/Mad Dog Moonshine Falling Down Water, or just get out a shotgun. Maybe your big woman just done sat on it. I don't care. Whatever.