General status update
Radiotherapy, day 29
Radiation burn: getting
worse before it gets better.
Nausea demon:
he brought me a bunch of tulips the other day – he doesn’t like seeing me
suffering like this. We talked nostalgically of all those dawn breakfasts together
during chemo, when I was at least able to sit up.
Radiation demon: this
is light duty for him, as he’s only torturing one breast rather than the whole
body, so he’s got plenty of time to do Sudoku as well.
Anxiety level/insane euphoria (+/- 1-10,000): I
would give anything for a few Dexys
and a big surge of unnatural chemical exuberance right now, but unfortunately
they don’t prescribe steroids for radiation burns.
Despair Demon: has
set up camp in the airing cupboard once again, and keeps reminding me that this
is my punishment for regarding radiotherapy as a mere formality after chemo. I
wish he’d just sod off back to the Infernal Regions and leave
me alone.
Chemo Muse:
itching to get back to her new role as my swimming coach, and currently filling
in the time by reading Ian Thorpe’s autobiography. She says I’m never going to
be a champion swimmer because my feet just aren’t big enough.
Chemo Brian: very
understanding about me spending so much time lying on the bed at the moment, rather
than joining him in my usual position on the sofa.
State of mind:
low – have to keep reminding myself that all this unpleasantness derives from
the treatment, not the illness, and that soon it will be over. And then I can
start taking the frigging Tamoxifen.
Legend relates that St. Lawrence, depicted above in a
painting which may or may not be by Caravaggio, was martyred by being tied on
top of an iron grill over a slow fire that roasted his flesh little by little.
I’m beginning to know exactly
how he felt.
Since the final dose of radiation, a week ago, I have continued
to burn, and the pain and discomfort on, under and around my breast has
increased. It is red and raw and acutely painful, and as the layers of skin burn
off I feel as if I am being very slowly flayed alive.
This is a situation in
which having a D cup breast is a distinct disadvantage, since the weight of the
breast exacerbates the problem. The only way I can be comfortable is to lie down,
breast bared, back slightly arched, with my arm extended above and behind my
head on the bed at full stretch.
This improves things a great deal, and is said to be the best
way to help the breast to heal, but it considerably limits my range of other
activities. Aloe vera gel helps to cool and soothe it, but the breast will
continue to burn for another week, apparently, as the radiation continues to work
for two weeks after the treatment has finished. Only then will it begin to heal,
and there is nothing else that can be done, so for now I must simply be patient
and lie on the bed in the backstroke position, the swimming pool once again a
distant dream.
I thought I had my life back, but I was wrong.
