Nuclear half-life

General status update

Radiotherapy, day 29 

Radiation burn: getting worse before it gets better.

Nausea demon: he brought me a bunch of tulips the other day – he doesn’t like seeing me suffering like this. We talked nostalgically of all those dawn breakfasts together during chemo, when I was at least able to sit up.

Radiation demon: this is light duty for him, as he’s only torturing one breast rather than the whole body, so he’s got plenty of time to do Sudoku as well.

Anxiety level/insane euphoria (+/- 1-10,000): I would give anything for a few Dexys and a big surge of unnatural chemical exuberance right now, but unfortunately they don’t prescribe steroids for radiation burns.

Despair Demon: has set up camp in the airing cupboard once again, and keeps reminding me that this is my punishment for regarding radiotherapy as a mere formality after chemo. I wish he’d just sod off back to the Infernal Regions and leave me alone.

Chemo Muse: itching to get back to her new role as my swimming coach, and currently filling in the time by reading Ian Thorpe’s autobiography. She says I’m never going to be a champion swimmer because my feet just aren’t big enough.

Chemo Brian: very understanding about me spending so much time lying on the bed at the moment, rather than joining him in my usual position on the sofa.

State of mind: low – have to keep reminding myself that all this unpleasantness derives from the treatment, not the illness, and that soon it will be over. And then I can start taking the frigging Tamoxifen.

Legend relates that St. Lawrence, depicted above in a painting which may or may not be by Caravaggio, was martyred by being tied on top of an iron grill over a slow fire that roasted his flesh little by little.

I’m beginning to know exactly how he felt.

Since the final dose of radiation, a week ago, I have continued to burn, and the pain and discomfort on, under and around my breast has increased. It is red and raw and acutely painful, and as the layers of skin burn off I feel as if I am being very slowly flayed alive.

 This is a situation in which having a D cup breast is a distinct disadvantage, since the weight of the breast exacerbates the problem. The only way I can be comfortable is to lie down, breast bared, back slightly arched, with my arm extended above and behind my head on the bed at full stretch.

This improves things a great deal, and is said to be the best way to help the breast to heal, but it considerably limits my range of other activities. Aloe vera gel helps to cool and soothe it, but the breast will continue to burn for another week, apparently, as the radiation continues to work for two weeks after the treatment has finished. Only then will it begin to heal, and there is nothing else that can be done, so for now I must simply be patient and lie on the bed in the backstroke position, the swimming pool once again a distant dream.

I thought I had my life back, but I was wrong.