Day 125
General status update
FEC cycle 6, day 9
The Chemo Demons have departed en masse to Paris for the weekend to get away from me, because my mood is so foul
that I am now upsetting them more than they are upsetting me.
I am really struggling at the moment. It's day 9 after FEC6
and I still seem to be in a state of complete physical and emotional collapse.
My arm hurts like b***ery inside, after having the last 3
doses of chemo into the vein, and it's not getting any better - if anything it
seems to be hurting more over the last couple of days. The side effects this
time have just been awful - the nausea the worst since the first cycle - and
above all else I am just so incredibly weak.
I keep melting down emotionally and bursting into tears. The
end of chemo is having a much bigger emotional impact than I had anticipated,
and the fact it has left me as this half-crippled physical and emotional wreck
makes me angry.
I just feel so completely and utterly battered, in every way.
I have no desire to write the blog any more, I just want to turn
my face to the wall. I’ve spent 125 days thinking and writing about cancer and
chemo, and that’s enough for anyone. I've lost the desire to entertain, I just desperately, so desperately, want this all to be over.
The ‘I’ve finished!' exhilaration has completely disappeared,
replaced by sullen resentment and anger that FEC is still torturing me, nine
days after the last dose. I can't snap out of it, and don't imagine I will be
able to until I start feeling better physically. And that's just not happening
yet.
Not where I was expecting to be, this week...
Sorry for moaning, but I’ve tried to make this blog a fairly
accurate representation of the lived experience of chemo, and this is where my
lived experience is at right now: slap in the middle of a giant ball of anger and exhaustion, radiating negativity at the universe.
I know I have to be patient now, and that there is plenty to be optimistic about, but it doesn't make any difference.
I’m just in a North Korea state of mind…
Please do moan on! I'm sorry that you are having such a rough time of it-but if you have the energy to blog about it-I'm willing to read it. You are an exceptional person and you will get through it. It sounds like a visit to The Haven is in order-I wish I could whisk you away there now. Sending positive vibes.
ReplyDeletethank you, Michele - and you're right, a visit to the Haven is EXACTLY what I need. I will pull myself together and get down there first thing tomorrow. And while I'm there I will sign up for some of their soothing complementary therapies, which are designed to help you get through low moments such as there.
DeleteYou're there, you've done it; what was with all the build-up, where's the reward?!
ReplyDeleteI wanted to do bodily harm to the people who prattled on about it all being over now, I'd finished chemo, had my last treatment, yadda, yadda, yadda. There I sat: crumpled, rumpled, looking like death warmed over and feeling worse...it wasn't over; 'over' wasn't even in the game, hadn't so much as purchased a ticket.
I pretty much hated everyone at that point. And I didn't need the Despair Demon to whisper in my ear, I was doing just fine on my own, muttering to myself that I was a right bitch to feel angry at people like my poor aunt who was just trying to soothe me - at the same time wondering if everyone had lied to me, there was a conspiracy afoot, and I was dying...
I narrowed my eyes and glared. At the back of the sofa.
Hang on. You know it will be over soon - but 'soon' is relative, 'soon' is an eternity away, you hate the word 'soon'; you have every reason to hate it.
Moan all you want, my friend. This is about YOU, no one else.
xxx Jen
Oh, this did make me laugh - it describes so exactly how I've been feeling. Thank you, Jen xx
DeleteI'm realising that I'm quite mad at the moment, so I've just got to hang on in there, and it will all calm down again soon. Yesterday was just a MASSIVE low point, but 24 hours later, things are a bit better. And by the end of this week they will be MUCH better.
'Sorry for moaning' - my dear beloved Hocam, you have an army of people who are here to listen to you moan, vent, rant, send in the nukes like Kim Jong Un, whatever you need, whenever you need it. xxx
ReplyDelete