Did Ye Get Healed?

Day 126

General status update

FEC cycle 6, day 11

The Chemo Demons are all still away in Paris – they’ll be back tomorrow. I hope they bring me some macarons.

Fatigue/weakness: slight improvement

Left Arm: still very painful – it’s almost as if it’s full of toxic chemicals - oh, wait…

Anxiety level/insane euphoria (+/- 1-10,000): Mais où sont les Dexys d'antan?

State of mind: slightly less batshit crazy than yesterday, which has to be good.

Another email from my friend Dor - à propos of yesterday’s firmly North Korean frame of mind - pointing out that North Korea has just changed its TV news topic from war alerts to preparations for festivals, which she hopes may also be a good omen for post-chemo world here in Gurkha Towers.

And I think she may well be right.

Today has been a lot better both physically and mentally, so I’m hoping that yesterday will prove to have been FEC’s last stand – or at least the last time it will be capable of completely defeating me in both body and mind. The nausea and stomach problems have abated, and today I at least felt human. In another week’s time it will be close to the end of the chemo cycle and the poison will really be leaving my body for the last time.

I had just got a bit ahead of myself with the euphoria of walking out of the chemo ward for the last time 10 days ago, which was stupid. If you’ve just been pumped full of toxic chemicals which will take at least 2 weeks to flush out of your system, then you are nowhere near the end – you are two to three weeks away from the end. Lesson learnt.

I’ve also been somewhat taken aback by my fairly extreme emotional reactions and mood swings in the ten days since the final dose of chemo, and one of my Cyber Chemo Buddies mentioned to me something her doctor had said about this: ‘the mind is a strange thing, it puts up with so much stress, but it's when we get back to 'normal' that it retaliates’. That seems to sum it up quite well – after 16 weeks, now that the chemo is very nearly over and I no longer have to find a way of holding myself together for the duration, my mind seems to  be saying ‘OK, that’s enough, give me a break now’ and letting me fall apart.

This has also been happening to others in my online group who started chemo with me back in December, and with whom I have travelled down this long and painful road, and it is very comforting to know that I am not alone in losing it in various ways. We’re all just slightly batshit crazy right now, to be quite honest; but at least we’re batshit crazy amongst friends.

A commenter on the blog yesterday tactfully suggested that this might be a good time to take myself down to the Haven, and she’s absolutely right: the Haven is exactly where I need to be right now. The therapies they offer are specifically designed to soothe minds and bodies ravaged by cancer treatment, and I am going to go there tomorrow morning and book myself into whatever is available. I’ve also got 5 more hours of NHS complementary therapies available, so it’s time to start taking advantage of that.

The surgery and the chemo have taken a very heavy physical and mental toll, but they’re done, and now it’s time for me to start making use of the resources available to heal both my body and my mind.

And I will get back in the swimming pool a week tomorrow, all being well.

Just 7 more days until I can get back in touch with my Inner Trout.

That's not very long at all.